


Thirty-Four

by quetzalzotz



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: And I guess Ethan, And Rachel, Child Abuse, F/M, I Tried, I hurt my faves, I'm not a nice person, Incest, Minor mentions of Sarah, Rape, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 23:24:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14224095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quetzalzotz/pseuds/quetzalzotz
Summary: A series of vignettes following Ira from his earliest memories until the very end.





	Thirty-Four

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, my first piece in over a year. This is pretty monumental for me. I love Ira, he was my favorite Castor and my heart still aches over him. The puppy. There's not a lot about him and canon seems kinda contradictory so I went with my own thing.

Ira’s first memory is when he’s small. It’s fuzzy, and only comes to him in those deeply still moments, but he remembers sitting at a table with his brothers. It was lunch, or maybe breakfast, but he can see the identical faces around him. Ira was never sure if this was a proper memory or an amalgamation of events.

When he’s four, Ira is taken away by a strange lady. She’s foreign and new and he doesn’t like it. No one is coming with him and he looks at his brothers in panic. He doesn’t know if he’ll see Robert or Joseph again. He doesn’t know what will happen to him. He cries in the car and in the small plane that takes him to his new home. The lady doesn’t reprimand him or comfort him. He is alone for the first time in his life.

Ira doesn’t have a clear memory of Rachel until he’s six. Rachel is loved and cherished. Rachel is special. Ira is just Ira. The Duncan’s take care of him, but he’s far from family. Rachel sits at the big girl table with her Mommy and Daddy, and Ira sits at the small kitchen table alone. He has toys he sets along the table to keep him company, and he cries into his kitty when he hears Rachel squeal with delighted laughter as she is tucked into bed at night.

It’s the middle of the night, shortly before Ira’s ninth birthday, when Susan rushes him away. He doesn’t know where Ethan or Rachel are. It’s just him and Susan in a small plane. Ira knows better than to ask where they’re going. Susan stresses that Ira could never tell anyone about what happened. She didn’t need to tell him; Ira doesn’t have anyone to tell.

Ira is thirteen and living in a house with Susan. It can be peaceful at times. He reads a lot of medical textbooks. Susan thinks he should be a doctor like her, but Ira isn’t sure. He’s still short and his voice cracks when he reads out loud. He stole a magazine from a store, with women on the cover. It’s not dirty, just a workout magazine, but he stashes it under his mattress like he’s ashamed. He doesn’t know what Susan would do if she finds out. But Susan does find out because Ira has a panic attack because his pajamas are wet and sticky. He’s crying and rocking in fear when she comes in and understands right away what’s going on. He’s a growing boy, and his body is changing. Ira doesn’t like change. Change has always been bad before. Susan finds the dogeared magazine and gives him an exasperated sigh. She takes the magazine. The next morning, he finds a stack of other magazines on his bedside table. These ones have naked women inside of them. 

On Ira’s fifteenth birthday, Susan bakes him a cake for the first time. It’s lopsided but tasty, from the boxed mix he found in the kitchen. He’s grateful she remembered his birthday. They stay up and Susan treats Ira like an adult. He’s not a child anymore, he’s a man. It makes him feel good to hear that. But it doesn’t feel as good when she kisses him on the lips. He freezes and she presses on. He’s imagined what it would feel like when someone else touches him, but this isn’t what he wanted. He wanted one of the girls from his magazines. Susan is undaunted by his body not cooperating and continues to play with his soft penis until it grows hard. She gently encourages it, edging him on until he finishes. He’s tired. But Susan doesn’t let him rest, and instead shows him how to do it to her. 

At seventeen, Ira is 6’1, with slender muscles and thick dark hair. Girls notice him on the street sometimes. He’s well-versed in basic medical procedures and understands the fundamentals of genetics. He’s smart, he could go to university. He could unlock the mysteries of the brain and of the genes, like Susan had wanted. But she keeps him with her. She comes to him most nights, and there is a routine. He goes down on her until she comes, and he gets a handjob in return. He imagines its someone else’s hand around him, but only sometimes. He’s gotten used to the idea that Susan is his girlfriend now. After dinner, Susan says she’s got something special for him tonight. She pushes him back into the pillows after he’s taken off his clothes and she rolls a condom onto his hard cock. He’s excited, he can hear his heart pumping in his ears. Susan slides down, her hips making contact with his. It’s a few seconds before he’s coming harder than he ever had before, the sensation completely different. He does it with her over and over, getting praise every time she calls out his name in pleasure. 

Ira is twenty when he falls in love. He’s never felt like this before, this rush of joy. Or at least, he thinks that’s what the nausea is. He knows Susan loves him; she’s been showing him since he was a teenager. So he doesn’t understand why he cranks the heat up in the shower after they fuck, until his skin is glowing red and he radiates the heat. When he nicks himself with his razor, he feels a rush of relief as the blood oozes out. It’s not self harming, he justifies, because accidents happen. And plenty of people enjoy hot showers. But he’s taken to wearing long sleeved sweaters, even in the summer months, to hide the fact he will pick at small lumps and bumps of his skin until they bleed and scab over. His arms are covered in them. 

It’s late and Ira is twenty-one. He is home but he doesn’t remember how he got there. His brain is foggy like he’s been sick for a long time, with a bad flu. He struggles to form a coherent thought as Susan panics, asking him what’s wrong. He leans into the counter, gripping on to keep himself upright. He doesn’t understand what Susan means by Glitch, but he collapses onto the kitchen floor and wakes up in bed the next morning. He feels fine now. 

Susan sits Ira down when he’s twenty-seven and explains the real truth about who he is. Words like Castor, Leda, and Neolution bounce around his head. It’s insane yet logical. He knows deep down it’s the truth. Susan has been educating him in this the whole time, without him even knowing. He knows the truth now and commits himself to assisting Susan.

At thirty-one, Ira has fully entrenched himself as Susan’s yes man. He assists her with everything and is rarely seen without her. He is a good assistant and a good boy toy at night. Ira thinks they should get married. He manages to buy a ring in secret and take her to a nice dinner. When they are walking home, he drops to one knee, and asks her to marry him. Susan refuses, but still takes him to bed that night. She doesn’t offer explanations or reasons, but just fucks him until she’s satisfied. She goes to her own room to sleep, and Ira wonders what the jeweller will say when he returns the diamond. 

It’s Sarah who finds Ira in the bathtub, overdosing. His stomach is pumped, and he will live. At thirty-three, he is amazed he’s lived this long. The pain bubbles inside and his heart burns with it until it spilled over. Susan liked the bath, so it was fitting he would end it there. He wakes up in the hospital with a strange man watching over him. His stomach was pumped, he will survive. He is prescribed an antidepressant and ushered unceremoniously out of the hospital with no regard for his mental state. Susan does little to comfort him, chastising him for the impotence the prescription and trauma has caused. He sighs deeply, rolls between her legs, and licks at her until she leaves. He lays in the bed staring at the door until he passes out from exhaustion. 

Ira is on the Island again, head pounding and twitching. He knows he’s glitching. He knows it’s a bad one, he can feel the blood trickle down from his nose. He doesn’t care. He helps Cosima escape, and his only hope of a cure. A year ago he wanted to die, and now he’s running for his life. Cosima knows how to cure the Leda’s and it’s only a matter of time before she cures him too. He runs to Susan. The only constant thing in his life. He doesn’t know how he gets there. He sees her sitting in a chair and for a split second he is relieved. He will survive because she will insist he survives. But Susan is dead.

At thirty-four, Ira Blair is dead, too.


End file.
